Miles at 6

Miles turned 6 last week! What an amazing child he continues to be. He auditioned for the Nutcracker Ballet for the smallest role as a mice and instead was chosen to be a party child and a soldier. He has been to rehearsals every weekend sometimes two days in a row for a couple months now. His circus teacher died in a tragic accident over the summer and we moved to Vitale Scherbo gym. He has settled in as well as one can considering the harshness of the changes this year. Norris moved out soon after the new year. He had been seeing a nurse in Quatar but when that didn't work out he hooked up with his old tech Karla. He is still with her. I don't mind. She is a nice girl with a history of being abused and I'm sure she is still being taken advantage of. However because she has children his life has been more child oriented and Miles has been mostly included in that. The divorce was expensive and ugly and unfair. Miles cried so many nights. I saw his personality change this year. Not all sweetness and innocence. He has a bit of pain he carries with him now. It breaks my heart. I tried to keep the house to not cause too many changes for Miles at once. I want to sell it by next summer. It's more than we need and I don't like any of the neighbors or the area. It's so fake. A Plasticine suburban affluent materialistic and soulless existence. I had and lost an amazing job at the VA. I miss it so. It got me through the year and when it was gone I fell apart so badly like making up for all the falling apart I refused to do through the whole divorce. I've struggled to find a job. Supposedly I'm starting a new one in December. But I want to go back to the VA. The divorce was finalized 10/10/13. I am disillusioned with life, people, God, the idea of permanence. I long for the days when I was free to be alone, travel, not worry about how much I'm fucking up my child's life. Everyone tells me I'm a great mom and doing a great job. I wish I felt that way. I feel ultimately I have always failed by not making sure my child was with someone who was good at marriage and willing to communicate and build a life that worked for both of us. I've got to figure out how to be a single mother. With no role model for that. First single mother in the history do my family going back generations. Ultimately I failed by not being able to keep a marriage together. I was somehow given the most amazing child to raise. Why I don't know. He can climb a rope. He can do a cartwheel, a backbend from standing, count to 200 by 1,2,5,10 and 25. He is soooo into math and science. He says he wants to be a doctor like his daddy. He can really read. He is in kindergarten at Challenger and is at the top of his class. His best buddy is the neighbor Jameson, a lively smart Irish boy. They are a tornado together. His birthday party this year was a food fight. It was his idea which he wanted since around March. We did whipped cream on plates and they ran around the park smearing each other. It was the best birthday party we've had yet I think. Miles is so good at almost everything (except keeping his room clean). The challenge is figuring out how to fit all his activities in. We cannot. He is interested in gymnastics, dance, MMA, soccer, bike riding, running, math, science, swimming, travel, Christmas, animals, cooking and so much more. He is competitive and still hilariously funny. The other day I'm showing him my arm muscles - that my arms are getting more fit. And he says "your arms remind me of a clock". And I ask how. And he wiggles the fat on it and says "tick-tock". And bursts out laughing. And I had to also. He also made up some jokes. "What do cookies and computers have in common?" "They both have chips". When does a cookie go to the doctor? When it feels crumbly. And some more I can't remember. Miles is super loving to me and to Bella, who he still calls his sister. He wanted to be the Grinch for Halloween and I dressed up as Max. We went trick or treating with Jameson and his family and had a great time. I invited Norris to come and take a turn taking him trick or treating. Hoping Miles will be able to continue to have both Norris and I present on special days and we can eventually be friends. Norris isn't the friend type so I'm not holding my breath on it. So much has changed this year. And it's not over. Hopefully by next summer 2014 we will be well and truly in a new routine and the dust will have settled in the divorce and Norris and I will be able to communicate about future plans and ideas. We both wanted to live overseas before the divorce and I think if we could possibly trust each other enough to coordinate and I were to get back into the govt I could get an overseas posting and he could get a PCS to the same base and Miles could continue to have both parents with him. I know it seems impossible but I have to know anything starts with an idea. I keep this journal and hope one day Miles will read it and understand how events happened which shaped his life.

Travels

Last month I went to India with my parents. It was a once in a lifetime trip and I am so happy it all came together and my parents so generously paid for my part of the trip. I had never been away from Miles that long before and I was very apprehensive about it. But I made the decision to become more than a wife and mother again. For 5 years of marriage Ive waited around for my husband to travel together and it never happened. He just does not like it. And I end up feeling rejected and stressed. So this year I am doing the things I used to do before I was married. Like take a trip on my birthday. I had a terrible dream and decided that I truly need to go visit my brother Duane in Germany and have Miles meet those cousins. After much pleading to no avail Norris still refused to go with us. So I booked our tickets for just Miles and I. Im not happy about it. But I cant live waiting for him to be like me. However the next week he booked himself a trip to puerto rico for a karate retreat and said we cant come because we cant afford the two trips. But just this week he said he wants us all to go to atlanta in may for his cousins high school graduation. Im pretty amused how the money is no longer an issue but genuinely concerned that all this is very unaffordable for us. Also his mother continues to completely ignore me and pretend I dont exist, back to calling the house and talking to me like the housekeeper who answered the phone. She seriously came to visit while I was in India and was careful to book her ticket so she never had to see me on either end of the trip. I was surprised to hear Norris commemt on how blatantly rude this was. I know he will never say anything to her on my behalf and I dont feel I have a right to say anything and that does not sit well with me. I'm just going to have to accept and live my life. I do not know what else I can do. I do know to focus on the good makes me calmer. So the good is that Miles is really gettibg into reading. He has whole books memorized that he will read aloud. He likes having the dogs captive and reading to them. They seem to like it. He has a little crush at school. Her name is Maia. Which would have been his name if he was a girl. I like her. Shes a real spitfire, no wallflower! She likes me too, she is very conversatiomal and likes to comment on jewelry or colors Im wearing when I pick him up from school. Ha ha! Maybe Maia could give me some tips to work on my MIL!
Miles is going through a period now where friendsnips are important to him. He asks for playdates with specific friemds amd is very well liked by a lot of kids at home and school.
It was a great compliment to him the other night when he had his first aleepover at Kari Lewis' house and in the morning when I picked him up she said that if her baby turns out to be a boy she would like parenting advice from me because he was such a pleasant, well behaved and gentle guest. I do feel like I earned some credit for that but mostly I credit Miles himself and his innate intelligence and kindness. I know Im letting it all be known in this post but I also feel that I want Miles to know the dynamics of what went on when he was little too. I grew up with a lot of being told everything is great even though it was really not and I think its better for kids to develop with truth rather than varnish to a certain extent.

I wrote this on the way back from grandmothers funeral. Jan 15,2013 Miles at 5 This is January and I am sitting on a plane coming back from Trinidad after the funeral of my maternal grandmother. Miles is home with Norris for the week and Norris has filed for divorce from me and has moved out of the house. I should be more sad about Norris leaving but he has shown himself over the last 3 years to be so rude, selfish, hurtful and coarse that there is nothing in him to admire or love. He reminds me of a preening peacock with no sense of humor and is quick to anger and to cause an arguement at the earliest opportunity. Miles did not really miss him during the deployment and most every day I had to force him to talk to Norris on the Skype. Norris I had to make call Miles because there would be periods of almost 2 weeks when he wouldn't call and Miles would get sick because of stress. Miles is a kid who will get physically ill if he is stressed. Norris was the absolute wrong choice to marry and I should have tested him more and known better but I was so lonely in Pensacola and was also impressed by him being a doctor. It will be a long time before I want to give anyone a chance again. 7 wasted years of my life, always thinking things were just about to get better, just a couple more months, just a little more effort on my part. But there are worse mistakes I could have made and my situation is one that will help me in working with patients. I learned a lot about the military and the people in it that I never knew. The mentality that makes them think they are good guys while hurting and wounding others and calling a death "collateral damage" is unfortunately strong in Norris and he will undoubtedly hurt Miles and I tremendously now that he is ready to divorce. And there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to endure it until he loses interest in us. Hopefully he will be like his uncle, remarry and forget all about us and stop causing us pain and disappointment. Until then I am preparing myself for 2013 to be a tough year and it has already started with the divorce and facing the loss of my identity as a married woman and the freedom to tailor Miles' every experience to his advantage by having unlimited resources of time and good financial resources. In the year between when Miles turned 4-5 he became able to swim in the pool by himself pretty well. He is an intuitive and tactful person even at this age and he is very driven to accomplish things once he decides he is interested in something. I wonder if every child is this cool and then I spend time with my friends' kids and I don't think so. He is a natural comic from before he could talk. I remember him putting 3 binkies in his mouth to make me laugh. The other day he says "mom could you get me some water?" And I said "yes, but what's the magic word?" And he said "well we are not magicians, I don't know any magic words to make water appear". And he fills me in on the gossip in his class. I ask him "so who went to the principals office today? Did Zachary go again?" And he tells me very seriously, almost regretfully' "well, Zachary didn't go today. I hate to tell you, but Montse and Taylor caught that flu though". His teachers just love him. Ms. Amber says he will go to Harvard and that she wishes she could go back in time and be 4 years old so she could be best friends with him. He can read simple books. The other night he is reading an early reader to me and it's about Ironman. One part says "but Tony has a secret" and Miles turns to me and says "if it's a secret why are they putting it in this book?,look at this book, they are telling Spider-Man's secret, Captain America and the Hulk too!"