Miles at 6

Miles turned 6 last week! What an amazing child he continues to be. He auditioned for the Nutcracker Ballet for the smallest role as a mice and instead was chosen to be a party child and a soldier. He has been to rehearsals every weekend sometimes two days in a row for a couple months now. His circus teacher died in a tragic accident over the summer and we moved to Vitale Scherbo gym. He has settled in as well as one can considering the harshness of the changes this year. Norris moved out soon after the new year. He had been seeing a nurse in Quatar but when that didn't work out he hooked up with his old tech Karla. He is still with her. I don't mind. She is a nice girl with a history of being abused and I'm sure she is still being taken advantage of. However because she has children his life has been more child oriented and Miles has been mostly included in that. The divorce was expensive and ugly and unfair. Miles cried so many nights. I saw his personality change this year. Not all sweetness and innocence. He has a bit of pain he carries with him now. It breaks my heart. I tried to keep the house to not cause too many changes for Miles at once. I want to sell it by next summer. It's more than we need and I don't like any of the neighbors or the area. It's so fake. A Plasticine suburban affluent materialistic and soulless existence. I had and lost an amazing job at the VA. I miss it so. It got me through the year and when it was gone I fell apart so badly like making up for all the falling apart I refused to do through the whole divorce. I've struggled to find a job. Supposedly I'm starting a new one in December. But I want to go back to the VA. The divorce was finalized 10/10/13. I am disillusioned with life, people, God, the idea of permanence. I long for the days when I was free to be alone, travel, not worry about how much I'm fucking up my child's life. Everyone tells me I'm a great mom and doing a great job. I wish I felt that way. I feel ultimately I have always failed by not making sure my child was with someone who was good at marriage and willing to communicate and build a life that worked for both of us. I've got to figure out how to be a single mother. With no role model for that. First single mother in the history do my family going back generations. Ultimately I failed by not being able to keep a marriage together. I was somehow given the most amazing child to raise. Why I don't know. He can climb a rope. He can do a cartwheel, a backbend from standing, count to 200 by 1,2,5,10 and 25. He is soooo into math and science. He says he wants to be a doctor like his daddy. He can really read. He is in kindergarten at Challenger and is at the top of his class. His best buddy is the neighbor Jameson, a lively smart Irish boy. They are a tornado together. His birthday party this year was a food fight. It was his idea which he wanted since around March. We did whipped cream on plates and they ran around the park smearing each other. It was the best birthday party we've had yet I think. Miles is so good at almost everything (except keeping his room clean). The challenge is figuring out how to fit all his activities in. We cannot. He is interested in gymnastics, dance, MMA, soccer, bike riding, running, math, science, swimming, travel, Christmas, animals, cooking and so much more. He is competitive and still hilariously funny. The other day I'm showing him my arm muscles - that my arms are getting more fit. And he says "your arms remind me of a clock". And I ask how. And he wiggles the fat on it and says "tick-tock". And bursts out laughing. And I had to also. He also made up some jokes. "What do cookies and computers have in common?" "They both have chips". When does a cookie go to the doctor? When it feels crumbly. And some more I can't remember. Miles is super loving to me and to Bella, who he still calls his sister. He wanted to be the Grinch for Halloween and I dressed up as Max. We went trick or treating with Jameson and his family and had a great time. I invited Norris to come and take a turn taking him trick or treating. Hoping Miles will be able to continue to have both Norris and I present on special days and we can eventually be friends. Norris isn't the friend type so I'm not holding my breath on it. So much has changed this year. And it's not over. Hopefully by next summer 2014 we will be well and truly in a new routine and the dust will have settled in the divorce and Norris and I will be able to communicate about future plans and ideas. We both wanted to live overseas before the divorce and I think if we could possibly trust each other enough to coordinate and I were to get back into the govt I could get an overseas posting and he could get a PCS to the same base and Miles could continue to have both parents with him. I know it seems impossible but I have to know anything starts with an idea. I keep this journal and hope one day Miles will read it and understand how events happened which shaped his life.